Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Healthy baby! Uncomfortable Mommy

Our baby has been given only a 1 in 600 chance of having Down's Syndrome which is better than the odds are at my age, so we are very thrilled! I had come to accept that I could and would raise a baby with disabilities but even still it's nice to know that I won't have that worry, or at least not through a Down's diagnosis.

I am so freaking UNCOMFORTABLE. It's impossible to bend as much as I need to and it's frustrating me to no end. Ugh!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Down's Syndrome and Me

A week ago Thurdsay, David told me that he received a call from our OB the night before. He didn't say Down's Syndrome at first. He only said that the fetal group who had read the ultrasound had concerns about the thickness of the baby's neck. He then told me the doctor wasn't worried. I asked him if she said what they looking for and he said-Down's Syndrome.

This sparked a malicious firestorm in my brain and I went to my pregnancy support and posted these two threads. I wanted to share them here rather than write a new one because pretty much every thought that has occurred to me since then has been covered in one of them or the other.

The first one is titled: Lovely Little Phone call

I crashed early last night. You know the whole mother of 3 thing who is pregnant with a 4th catches up with me from time to time. Since we have an internet phone service that sometimes gets wanky, our doctor's offices uses my husbands work cell to get in touch with us.

Well, as luck would have it. He got a phone call last night at 9 pm from my doctor who had my ultrasound results in front of her. Looks like we need another peek because the baby's neck is borderline thickness for Down's and the pics of hands and feet weren't clear enough either.

I would just like to say that I can now identify with all those mothers out there who got served an extra helping of worry with the "big" ultrasound.

I would also like to say that although I am not in fits of panic and am very optimistic, I am still not at all happy with the universe this morning, as I was served this lovely news along with my morning orange juice.

So please add me to your prayer list if you have the room. I go for an ultrasound tomorrow probably. I am waiting on the confirmation call.

I didn't have the quad screening, so I am sure I will be getting some needle poking if they are still unhappy with the looks of the baby, and probably an amnio which is something I can not even imagine going through...


And here is the second-Emotions were pretty much out of control at this point.

It's titled- Suffering in Silence

This just really has not been my week. It was Thursday morning when I learned that my baby's measurements were off at the ultrasound. He or she may be at risk for Down's. I shared this with the board and the support I received helped me get through the next couple of days. I am so thankful for that. I have also been in a huge amount of pain and discomfort due to a thrombosed and actively bleeding hemorrhoid. This is the second time this pregnancy and I dealt with one the last time too. I am pretty sure no one in my real life wants to hear another word about my ass and I definitely am not in the sharing mood.

It's 1:24 am Sunday morning and I can not sleep a wink, so I decided to come here and share some of my deepest darkest thoughts and hope that somewhere someone can help lead me out of this really bad place I have come to find myself in. My husband has been asleep for hours. I have already spoken to him enough about the fears in my heart and I don't want to trouble him even more. God knows, with his work schedule plus our finances to worry about, he needs his rest.

I've visited site after site. Some made me cry, some inspired me, some literally tore my heart out, and others made me feel like a sleazy human being. I don't want to bother my extended family, what can they do or say. There is nothing we can do but wait. I already proclaimed that I would not dwell on this little blip on the roadmap, with a healthy birth as a destination, longer than absolutely necessary.

I know I will feel totally stupid for worrying when the results come back fine. That is not what keeps me up though. That is not what has me sitting here pouring my heart out when I really should be sleeping. The "what-if's" are the source of my internal agony.

What will I do if the baby does have Down's syndrome? I am almost 22 weeks and termination seems like a cruelty even to an avid pro-choicer like me. On the other hand, I just don't think I am strong enough to raise a child with the kinds of problems that I have been finding in my research.

Some siblings of down's children say they felt blessed, others say it ruined their childhoods because their parents were forever preoccupied and financially strapped. We are not rich people and some might say that having a fourth child in our circumstances was irresponsible. It probably was in a way but I selfishly yearned for one last child to raise.

Learning I was pregnant made me feel complete inside. I had the confidence that we would bring this child into our happy home and our family would be perfect. I am a half way intelligent woman, I should have realized that something could happen. Why do I walk through life with blinders on?

And now, I struggle all day long to keep a smile on my face for my other children. I care for them and hug them close and wonder at their normalcy. They are all so healthy and bright. I feel confused in my heart. I just don't know if I can expect the same things from the baby I carry.

Every time I think about the future, I get a twinge of genuine sadness that had been bordering on full blown depression. I feel like my plans are suspended, like my pregnancy is dangling on a thread out there in space somewhere. Like the baby inside of me is caught in some sort of ancient struggle for survival. I have stopped making plans for the baby and thinking of names. I have stopped shopping on my favorite sites and trying to even guess what sex he or she is. I don't want to get any more attached than I am in case the news is bad.

My screensaver is my ultrasound picture. My baby's image blown up to full screen size. There's a profile with a cute little nose, perhaps a down's nose, I have been comparing the pictures of ultrasounds of down's babies and mine looks similar but what can an untrained eye see. What exactly do they look for? How many milimeters is the difference between healthy and abnormal?

I love this tiny life growing inside of me and the more I worry the more I feel like I am mothering my baby. I feel more connected. I feel like if the powers that be know I am out here praying, hoping, and posting crazy random threads on the internet, and then crying myself to sleep at night that somehow there will be mercy for my unborn baby.

Once again please pray for me and my baby...we need you

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Falling in Love Again

I am the first to admit that it takes me a while to fall in love with my fetuses. Of course, I always want the best for them. I take my vitamins and don't do anything that could endanger them, but it takes me a few months to actually feel attached. This could have something to do with my December '06 miscarriage and not counting my chickens before they hatch, I'm really not sure.

This starts to change for me as soon as I see the ultrasound picture of the baby inside of me. I start dreaming and planning. I start thinking up names and looking forward to my due date but most importantly, I start connecting. I love seeing the baby move on the screen and it's a good thing I don't own a machine or I'd lay on the couch all day with jelly on my tummy and my eyes glued to the screen just to see what he or she was up to!

Every time I feel the baby move now I have a picture in my head of a gorgeous little baby turning flips, waving it's hand, moving it's mouth.

Hurry up November, I'm falling in love and my arms can't bear to be empty much longer!

Friday, June 12, 2009

Went to Motherhood maternity at CoolSprings Galleria today and spent too much money. I'm really tired tonight but am excited about the new clothes. Clara got 2 new pairs of shoes. She played with them all the way home.

Here is a picture of her from yesterday morning chewing on her monitor antenna. Perhaps not the best teething device?

Thursday, June 11, 2009

The Pool

This is a $99 Wal-mart special and it was worth every penny! We have had so much fun with it. The kids and their friends have used it every possible day.

It needs to be cleaned now though. Gonna have to get a skimmer, a vacuum and a test kit. Yay! This $99 pool is gonna cost us $300 before long!

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Krystal's Wedding

This is a picture of Me, 12 weeks pregnant, My blondie, Olivia, my mother, Rose and my tall sister Amy. I am 5'1 and not wearing heels, so my short stature is even further amplified. Nice huh?

This picture was taken right before leaving for my niece, Krystal's wedding on May ninth. She looked stunning in her off white, strapless dress with tons of gathers and rosettes. The wedding was beautiful and of course I cried when she cried while saying her vows. Weddings have gotten more emotional as I have aged. I suppose being married for 12 years and experiencing all that goes with it probably has something to do with it. Seeing a new couple embark on that fateful, joyous and at the same time treacherous journey is a privilege and yet you almost want to hold your breath as you wonder-do they know? How will they get through it? How will marriage change them?

The kiss

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Almost 13 weeks

I'll be 13 weeks tomorrow! Wow, time flies. It won't be long and I'll be holding this baby in my arms.

I've had a UTI. I'm taking generic macrobid. No side effects that I can tell so far. I am just really exhausted. UTI's can cause complications, so it makes me nervous. I have a good friend who is a pharmacist and she gave me great advice that put my mind at ease about the antibiotic. I really distrust medicine in general when pregnant.

Happily, my mother-in-law is here now though and it makes me feel better not to be so alone all the time. Plus she is wonderful with the kids and has been helping me so much with the housework. She's doing more than me!

My mother, and my sister Amy along with her family are coming on Friday. Yay! Mom and Amy are making lasagna and bringing it. Can you say-cha-ching?! I get to eat home made lasagana in the comfort of my own home without lifting a finger or washing all the icky lasagna dishes? Yeah baby!

I need a shower so bad but that would mean I have to get up, walk down the stairs, get naked, adjust the water, get in scrub myself, scrub my hair, dry off, put lotion on and get dressed. Whatever happened to the shower they had on the Jetsons? Come on now this is 2009-I want my auto-shower people. Get with it.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Remembering Mark Keen


I know you aren't on this earth any longer but I just wanted to write this letter to you to tell you how much your life meant to me.

I don't know when I met you. I was young, maybe 10 at the time. You were just an immature boy that my brother brought over to hang out and spend the night from time.

At some point I began to have a crush on you. You were tall and handsome and quick to smile. Your pet name for me "Toejam" sounded like music to my ears. It never occurred to me to be disgusted. I knew you weren't putting me down. I felt special because you cared enough to call me something other than Heather.

I was just a little sister to you though and even though we saw each other at every one of my family functions for years, a deeper relationship was not to be had. I found a diary entry I had written about you when I was going through a box of junk after your funeral. It said that I didn't think I was actually in love with you that my feelings stemmed more from the confusion of loving someone so much who wasn't a family member and who was also a member of the opposite gender. Mostly it was just convenience. I didn't get out much and you were always at my house.

I am so grateful that our relationship was ever platonic. However, I know there were times when you were extra sweet to me just to make a moment special. Like at the Halloween bonfire at my parent's place. Almost Paradise was playing and you slow danced with me. It was one of the most wonderful memories of my adolescence. Thinking back, I can still see your face by the glow of the firelight and my friends were all giggly because they knew how much it meant to me. We all talked about it for weeks.

I remember how you and Roger would sing in this private language to have food passed to you at the dinner table and all of would just laugh at you two. I remember the way you looked in your tux at my brother's wedding and that you were the one who escorted me back down the aisle after the vows, arm in arm. You carried my grandmother's casket at her funeral. I was thankful you were there.

None of us will ever forget the sunken truck incident and Dad hollering, "The Brake, the brake!" but you pushed the clutch instead.

God has put the brake on your life here on Earth but I'll bet you are up there pushing clutches, grinning broadly, and singing in your own private language. You were truly unique, a friend to remember always. My own memories of you are endless. the ones I have mentioned are just the tip of the iceberg. I hope that my family and I made as good an impression on your life as you did ours. Thank you for living for 35 years. Thank you for being my friend.

Mark's Obituary

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Putting It Out There!

So, I was kicking around a few ideas about what I oughtta include in my blog. Should I keep it strictly rated PG? Should I keep the subject content only to my children? Should I keep other people in my life and their issues off this site?

I decided no. I am who I am, and I want to feel free to talk about whatever I need to talk about. I am not a rated PG person, I curse like a rated R movie and sometimes my life even includes some XXX moments too!

My Children are THE number one focus of my life but in raising them other issues, people, feelings, etc. come into play so just about anything that is important to me affects the way I raise my children and the way I view my life. All subject matter is relevant in that way.

Other people affect me who also affect my children so although I may refer to them, I will leave names out-or complete names out, in order to be respectful.

Ugh, looks like Clara has awoken...she's been down all of 1 hour. Might be teething, she's been super fussy the last 2 nights.
I finally decided to make an effort to learn how to make links with html. I kinda suck at it still so it takes me a while. My previous post says "Links" and only one appears because I made like 10 and they looked really cool in the preview but I got an error when I tried to post them. I then realized what I had done too late. It appears that even with the error message, they may yet work. Completely annoying but I am determined because I would like to be all blog savvy and such. I'm so uncool about this stuff though. Gimme time, gimme time. As long as I can thwart the frustration, I should be ok!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009


Baby center

My Mommy Time

Happy to be here

We had a great Easter! You can't expect to see your husband on a holiday when you are a restaurant manager's life, but lo and behold, we got to eat supper together and it was awesome. I didn't overdo it with a million dishes. We just had ham (pineapple, brown sugar and coke glazed), yeast rolls, country green beans and home made macaroni and cheese. I also picked up a dozen cupcakes from the local bakery that were decorated in fun Easter colors.

We dyed eggs on the night before and hid them for the kids to find. We found one Monday still in the fireplace, guess that was a good hiding spot-score one for The Mommy! Also on Monday, Olivia and I made deviled eggs out of the dyed eggs. Some of the coloring had bled through (I bought the natural food dye kind) so our deviled eggs were colorful. Olivia got a big kick out of that!

Not feeling very preggo today besides being a bit sluggish :)